Mi Abuelito (My grandpa)

When the topic for this blog came up I had tough time thinking about what I could possibly write about. I rarely remember any dreams except for the extremely odd ones. By odd, I mean power rangers, movies, and video games. I don't remember or really have many dreams that relate to my life situations, it's frustrating at times because it feels like I must not have something important to have dreams about. This will probably continue to be true, but considering that I've been thinking a lot about what this blog would be about I think I must have tried harder to keep things in mind whenever I would end up with random thoughts in mind or had dreams.

With blog in mind, I woke up for class this past Friday at six in the morning. I don't get up right away, so I lay there thinking about how badly I don't want to get up. This morning was different though, instead of staring at my clock as the time goes by, my grandpa came to mind. I thought about my grandpa for about ten minutes, from my oldest memories of him till my last memory of him. I haven't seen my grandpa for over 6 years, so to have him on my mind at 6 in the morning on Friday like any other Friday was odd to me.

My oldest memory of my grandfather took place in Los Angeles, my birthplace, my grandparents managed a sewing factory and I would spend a lot of time there while my parents worked. There was a candy vending machine inside and my grandpa would always open it and take candy out for me because like any other kid, I loved candy.  I must have been 2 or 3 years old while I lived in Los Angeles because my family moved to Yuba City when I was 4. I always am amazed that I remember my grandpa pleasing my candy cravings when I was 2, an age where I think most people have a hard time recalling. 

My grandpa was in my life until about the age of 16, when my grandma and he decided to split (they were never really married).  They had both been living in Los Angeles after spending about 12 years in Yuba City, where my grandpa continued being my go to relative for candy. I don’t know the full story, but from what I know my grandpa was quite the alcoholic and my grandma was done with it, packed her bags and came back to Yuba City.  My grandpa stayed in Los Angeles and somehow it was decided within the family that he was no longer part of the family. 

I was young and going through at lot on my own at the time, so I never really asked too many questions or thought too long about what or where my grandpa could be doing. My memories of him were always fun though and I will always hold onto them. He is probably the reason why I still love eating an absurd amount of candy and get excited any time I enter a candy aisle at a store, any time I saw my grandpa I knew we would walk down to the local gas station or nearest corner store to get some candy. 

My grandpa was out of my life for about a year until one day, I believe it was sometime in the fall when I was 16. I was at home with my brother Ivan when an unexpected knock came to our door and we ran to open it and find out who it was. It was my grandpa; I was both filled with excitement and confusion because I did not know why he would show up unannounced after almost a year. If I knew this was going to be the last time I would see him, I probably would have been more welcoming than awkward about it. The reason for him being there was because he was waiting on a nephew (from a previous marriage he had) to pick him up and needed somewhere to wait. 

Like I said, I felt awkward about him being at my house randomly, so I told him that we should go to 7-11 and kill time while we waited. We walked down the street to the store and I couldn’t help but feel like when I was a little kid. Walking down to the local store with my grandpa to get some candy, how happy I was to have this feeling again. Eventually they picked him up and I said goodbye, not knowing it was going to be my last time with him, I said to him that he should stop by more often if he’s going to be in Yuba.

I haven’t heard from him or about him since then.  I haven’t been able to figure out why is it that I woke up at six with my grandpa on my mind. I know that I will cherish my time with him and the ridiculous amount of candy he fed me. I can only think that the reason why he somehow popped into my head on that Friday is because I need to figure out what happened to him. 

 (Unfortunately I don't have pictures of my grandpa on my computer or at my apartment, so I have to go with an image that always reminds me of my grandpa. Not only because he somewhat looks like the character, but because my family always said he WAS this character. "El Borracho" means "The Drunk" in Spanish. The image is from an old Mexican card game that is somewhat like Bingo.)

Leaving everything, but holding onto what matters

My decision to leave my home for the past twenty years and continue my education at San Francisco State is by far the biggest decision I’ve made to date.  When I was younger, say maybe about 18 or so the decision would have been easier because I felt like I just wanted to get away from anything in Yuba City. My first year at Yuba Community College (a college that combined many small towns) made me feel like I had finally found people that I could relate to and wanted to be around.  I had made real friends that I felt comfortable being myself around and they were just as into the same nerdy stuff that I was. I had also managed to somehow get myself into a relationship, which wasn’t the best, but at the time I thought it was worth whatever trouble I went through. Things had finally begun going my way at community college considering my rough high school years.  It only took 3 years to make feel like staying in Yuba City compared to the rest of my life before than wanting to leave Yuba City. It became a tough choice to finally leave, but I would have regretted it if I didn’t. 

I went through two more years of community college when I got my first job at the age of 21(very late, but my parents thought I should “focus” on school) and I started to have more freedom as far as what I was allowed to do and not allowed to do around and outside of the household. My first job was working at a video rental store (I love movies and it was locally owned, so it was extremely kick back) and the other half of the store was an adult store (where all the employees were women, pretty sweet I’d say).  Beer money in my pocket finally and friends to drink with, I was really having fun at 21.  Working at the “shop” eventually got me into a better relationship, not just with someone who I enjoyed a weekend with. I actually enjoyed working and being with this person throughout the day, every day.  

Although I had taken my sweet ass time at community, at 22 it was finally time to move on. I had finally earned and completed my transfer units and it was down to deciding on where to go to school. All of my years of living in Yuba City wanted me to get the hell out, but the last few years had definitely made me want to stay close. I had to look at what programs were offered at nearby colleges and whether I’d be happy going there. As far as nearby, it was down to Sacramento State and Chico State, but I felt inside that I didn’t belong or would not feel accomplished there. Many of my old classmates from high school went to both and as far as high school goes, I wanted to make any possible connections impossible. 

It wasn’t until my brother, who had been living in Daly City with my aunt working as a temp for a biotech company was offered a permanent position.  At this time is when I begun to heavily consider moving with my brother to the bay and further way than I had originally thought.  I discussed the idea of finding an apartment in the bay and attending college with my brother, who was very supportive and thought it’d be a good idea. I discussed it with my parents and it went pretty smoothly, but I think it is because they knew I’d be living with my brother. The difficult part of all this would be leaving everything I had gained in the last few years.

It took about a month of going over everything I’d give up if I moved, such as hanging out with my friends on the weekends, seeing my girlfriend just about every day, being closer to my family(including extended family), and having a pretty fun job with people I really got along with. In that time I also thought about what I’d be doing with my future if I were to of stayed, which is nothing sadly. The consequences of me leaving is that I’d give up spending so much time with the people I had learned to love. On the other hand, I’d be moving away from Yuba City. A city where there was no future for someone like me, someone my age who wanted more out of life than a daily routine in a small town where things never changed and the people were the same. Living away from home would be complete liberation from everything I had in Yuba City, the good and the bad. Even though I had gained a lot of good things in my life, the bad and my future could only lead me to leave. 

I made the choice to leave Yuba City because it was my chance and it was my time. My brother had offered to help subsidize the cost of rent, living cost and my parents were willing to help me with anything I needed. All of my friends and my girlfriend supported me in my decision, even though I’d see them a lot less, they knew it was something I had wanted for a long time. This was my opportunity that was granted to me by my family, their work and their support to help me advance my education, not just by going to any college, but by moving away and letting me experience life on my own. I would have been a fool to not take this chance. 

Objectivity on the Judged

Erich Fromm discusses the idea of objectivity and being able to treat people as individuals and accept them for whom they are as a person, rather than who they are us. Fromm points out that we often become concerned with our self-interest even when attempting to relate to other people, in some way we manage to project our opinions onto those we do not really know. Writing about objectivity isn't easy because it can easily become complicated and lost in our subjective ideas, so naturally it is also difficult to practice objectivity because just as easily, we become subjective.


This semester my friend Alex told me about a program on campus called Project Rebound, it is a program that is directly involved with people who are coming right out the criminal justice system and helping them enroll to San Francisco State University. Also, the program acts a resource for students that have been accepted to SFSU through Project Rebound to find tutoring, counseling, support system  and basically any other help that they may need over the years. For myself, I thought it would be an interesting experience because I'm actually interested to someday work for the criminal justice system as a psychologist for inmates and thought that this would be an amazing opportunity to catch a glimpse into what kind of personalities I could potentially meet.

Clearly I was anxious about this program because I felt like it would be completely unpredictable as to how much work and time would be necessary to successfully help students who come from jail or prison. The one thing I told myself that I must do is be objective towards these individuals because they are here to make something out of themselves and the last thing they need is another person to judge them. A week after applying for the internship I was emailed two names and two numbers, students that I must contact and introduce myself to, reality hit and I paced back and forth about what I will say and what I will ask, surely the last thing I want to do is come off judgmental.

I contacted both, but one sort of blew me off and never replied to emails and phone calls after our initial conversation. I could only hope that he continued to work hard in school because he seemed like a pretty cool guy over the phone and I looked forward to working with him. As for the other student, Jason, I actually got to know and meet a few times. He was an older student, one who had recently served "quite some time" in prison from what I was told and that he definitely needed help with working a computer, specifically ilearn. I never made it a point to find out Jason's criminal past, at this point it wasn't part of why I was helping him or why he was there, so I never really found out why he spent time in prison. My goal was to be objective when I worked with Jason, I was there to serve his needs to become a successful college student rather than being known as an ex-con.

Unfortunately my last meeting with Jason was when I found out he would most likely not be a student at SFSU or be with Project Rebound. From what Jason told me, he had been set up for something he had not done. He had to meet with his parole office and possibly go before the court in order to not go back to prison. In most cases, I think people would not believe Jason, given his past, but I accepted what he told me and told him that I'm sorry for the situation he was in , along with telling him that what is most important is that he gets that taken care of.

Initially I was disappointed that I had managed to have both contacts drop out and potentially go back into the criminal justice system, but after a while I was okay with it. I was able to accept the fact that these were two students that took it upon themselves to take a second chance that many people would not have given a second thought to. I learned that even with people who have been found guilty, they too deserve to be treated objectively. If I was capable to be as objective with these two people, why can't I be objective with everyone else I encounter, I do not need to know a persons history in order to treat them with respect and dignity, I only have to know that they are people, like myself.

Respect and dignity are standards for love that seem pretty obvious, but my experience with Project Rebound so far has definitely solidified it even more so. I can only continue to apply these two standards to those who I consider close to me, but to those I interact with on a daily basis.

Not So Alone

 Lordy don't leave me
All by myself(x3)

Good time's the devil
I'm a force of heaven(x3)

Lordy don't leave me
All by myself(x3)

So many time's I'm down
Down down(x3)

With the ground

Lordy don't leave me
All by myself(x3)

Whoa, in this world(x3)

Lordy don't leave me
                All by myself                      

Alright, this is about the fourth time I restart this blog, but now I'm sure of what I want to write. I decided to write on Moby's "In This World" song because it represents a lot of myself and how I view certain aspects of my life. I like the idea of having a soundtrack to my life, rather than having a single song cover my entire life because that would be impossible to do. I have a rough idea of when I first listened to Moby's "Play" album, not recognizing or understanding the meaning of a majority of the songs, what drew me to it was the fact that my oldest brother liked it(someone who I idolized a lot at a young age) and the fact that it had a few songs I found extremely catchy(i.e. body rock.) It wasn't until I was in high school that this song became part of my music collection on my mix Cd's, obviously I went through a lot of emotional stress in high school with my anxiety issues, where I felt like I was on my own without a person there to help me. I don't feel I completely understand the meaning of the song in a literal or metaphorical sense, but I have certainly applied myself to the music and how I relate to it.

In a literal sense, the song is about having a high source, higher power, a "God" of some sort being with me whenever I am down, alone, unrecognized or non-existent to the world around me. From my earliest memories I know I was raised Catholic, but I was never a fan of Sunday Mass or church in general, this applies to other forms of Christianity because I've been to other churches and am still not interested. The one thing I did come away with was the belief that there is something bigger than me, bigger than all of us, a "God". Whenever I would be a low point in my life, I would come back to this song and think about the idea that there is something or someone out there with me, so I am not all by myself.

There are a lot of music videos out there, but I feel that Moby's "In This World" video is another aspect of this song that I can relate myself to in some ways. The has aliens that are trying to get recognized by people and make friends, but they are continuously ignored and unrecognized, that is until the end of the video when Moby waves to the little aliens. I particularly like this part because I think the aliens were given a glimpse of hope in their search which leads them to create a larger "Hello" sign. In my life, I have been continuously in the search for a purpose, answers, and definition, many of which have been failed attempts, but every now and then I find a glimpse of hope that has me going back for more, not giving up on myself and coming back more knowledgeable than the time before. This is a quality that I am stuck with, I always like to think that there is hope out there, even when I am down with the ground.

The video means a lot to this song and something that stands out to me is that the aliens stick together, like a structure of friends that stick together even when times suck. This is another aspect of the song and video that I enjoy, not just the idea that there is something out there that I am unaware of watching over me and making sure I'm not on my own, is the idea that I have a small amount of really amazing friends and family that are by my side even when shit hits the fan and there seems to be little hope left. This is what stands out to me the most, the fact that I am not by myself, even when I feel like I am.

A Mix of Thoughts

When I saw that I had to purchase DJ Shadow’s “Entroducing…” for English 414 I was actually surprised. The only DJ Shadow song I had ever really heard was “Organ Donor” in high school when I went I started my hip-hop head music phase. I went back to listening to music from Eric. B and Rakim’s “Paid In Full” and EPMD, and while looking for music to download I wound up with DJ Shadow’s “Organ Donor “ on a mixed album I found online. Although there is a quite the year gap between “Paid in Full” and “Entroducing…” DJ Shadow had clearly stuck to the roots of  classic hip-hop. The song “Organ Donor” definitely makes me think about when I would was trying to learn how to break dance. I’d definitely say “Organ Donor” is my favorite song on the album, but that was probably because it made me think back to memories of high school I actually enjoyed. 

Aside from “Organ Donor”, a song that really stood out was “Why Hip Hop Sucks In 1996” with the only lyrics being “ it’s the money”. I’m not sure of why DJ Shadow would use those only lyrics in the song and title it “Why Hip Hop Sucks in 1996” unless he had good reason. I personally think that 1996 was an amazing year for hip hop in 1996. The “Score” by the Fugee’s is by far one of the greatest hip hop albums even today and “It Was Written” by Nas which was his second album to be released after “Illmatic” and Nas is considered to be one of the best hip hop artist today. Money has always been a part of hip hop as far as it’s content goes. One of my favorite songs “Paid in Full” by Eric B. and Rakim is all about getting paid and affording to have a great dinner with their girlfriend and this was a song that came out in 1987. The song itself reminded me a little of what west coast hip hop sounded like, which made me think that DJ Shadow might not have been happy with the state of west coast hip hop at the time, but even then 2Pac’s “All Eyes On Me” was released that year, everyone knows 2Pac was a monumental figure to hip hop and released excellent albums. This simply leaves me with accepting not knowing and just having to disagree with DJ Shadow because I loved the hip hop that came out in 1996 even if I didn’t hear it until years later.

One day over and over again

While watching the film "Groundhog Day" I could start picking out parts in the movie that were easily related to Plato's "Allegory of the Cave". The day itself eventually became Phil's "cave" in which he was his own puppeteer because he had control of what he did and how he interacted with people and if he didn't like how something went he would do it differently the next day. Phil even tries to communicate with Rita that he is reliving Groundhog Day, but she doesn't believe him, much like the other characters in Plato's allegory not being able to understand the released character.

The reason for Phil becoming trapped in the same day over and over again could be because he has internal issues to resolve. Phil is an individual that leads a life of pleasing himself and only himself, but as he comes to realize by interacting differently towards other people he's able to not only change their life and mood, but they're able to change his. After Phil's attempts to take advantage of not having any consequences to his actions because the next day would be another chance to do it again, he begins to realize that this single day needs to have meaning. The fact that Phil is conscious in his "cave" gives me the idea that we are sometimes in control of our "cave". In my past blog about my anxiety being my own "cave", I came to realize that I also had control over it, much like Phil has control over how and what happens on Groundhog Day.

After committing himself to learn and change himself as a person, Phil is eventually able to escape or become released from Groundhog day. Phil was completely aware of what he was doing and the way he interacted with people was the path towards being released. He had control over his own actions, which leads me to think that people can be actively involved in working towards their freedom or release when they also are trapped in a "cave".

My "Cave" that I live with

When I read Plato's "The Allegory of the Cave", I believe I saw it for its simplest form. A story of man having to deal with the falsifiable surroundings that we encounter through our lives and being able to find it within ourselves to overcome and feel released, but it was our class discussions that created a greater meaning to the story. With the different meanings for the different characters/acts in the story being listed, it was Jude Morris' idea of the "Cave" being a sort of anxiety that created a relationship between the story and my own life.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I began going through panic-attacks, every day and every moment that I was in school. Til this day, I don't know what the cause was, but it haunted me and disrupted my day-to-day behavior. The anxiety I suffered every day became my "Cave". I was trapped by anxiety and the shadow play on the wall was I and others telling me it was a phase and it would go away very soon. Half the year went by and things never improved, I began ditching class to the point that I ended up going on home studies until I was "normal" and caught up in my classes. My "phase" never passed and I was going into my junior year, still going day by day with anxiety at school. There were times where I wish I had gone through something traumatic, so I'd at least have a reason for what I was going through, but I did not.

Junior year came around and I ended up at an alternative school because and I had fallen behind. Still trapped in my "Cave" and no idea of what was going on with me. The switch to an alternative school didn't change a whole lot as far as improving my situation. It wasn't until the near end of my senior year, when I decided the best thing for me was to drop out of high school and get my GED. This is was the point in my life where I felt a "release", just like the character in Plato's allegory.

Once I had been released, I began to crawl and work my way out of my anxiety, my cave, and it took a large amount of work. Eventually I made it to community college and this is where I felt things became more real. A sense of real responsibility, real motivation and my real self became to form. I was able to work on my anxiety and eventually it became an irrelevant part of me, although I will always consider it a part of me, just not something I deal with on a day to day basis. I stepped out into what is reality and I consider myself and those who helped me as a representation of the "sun" in Plato's allegory.

As for the character in Plato's allegory going back unsuccessfully trying to convince the others that what they see as shadows is not real, I could in someways see myself being there for my friends and family when they go through their own personal "Caves". Even though they might not understand what I convey or believe in what I say, I will try anyways, it's the best I could do.

Pinocchio

When I found out about the first topic of our blog, I knew I'd have a problem writing about it. Truth is something that I had always had trouble keeping in practice. As a kid I was a habitual liar to everyone, that includes parents, siblings, teachers and friends. I don't know why I was such a little liar, but I was and I was bad at it. My mother would always find out and my other lies didn't have a better outcome than as if I were to of told the truth. I read Sigmund Freud's quote, "From error to error, one discovers the entire truth" and I understood it in two different ways. My first interpretation is the more obvious, from making continuous mistakes, the truth is eventually discovered, but my second interpretation is viewing those mistakes as lies. Every lie I told was a mistake and with the amount of lies I made up, the truth was eventually discovered.


I eventually caught onto the art of lying and became quite efficient. It was a quality of myself that I never considered to be a terrible one because no one knew what I was up to. They say "ignorance is bliss", so I felt if no one knew, then there was no harm, no reason to be upset. That obviously was a lie to myself.


Years down the road, I entered the relationship with my current girlfriend. My current girlfriend was able to break me down and read right through every single lie I ever made up and even then she has decided to be with me. I saw the pain my lies caused her and the guilt that loomed over me for the lies that I told became unbearable. That's when I decided I was done with lies and could not hurt this person who I have come to love so much. It was a relief, as if I had suddenly become real, like in Pinocchio, a "brave, truthful, unselfish" person.